


Hate is a Strong Word

by dilangley



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:59:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5240699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dilangley/pseuds/dilangley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes two girls want the same thing, and sometimes in the course of that pursuit, other strong feelings come up. Sometimes it isn't just about love. Sometimes love is about hate. </p>
<p>ONESHOT.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hate is a Strong Word

I hate her.

Is that immature? Is that bitter? Is that childish or bitchy? I don't give a damn if it is. I hate her. I forgive the rest of them, with their sappy-perfect-family smiles and Leave it to Vampire Beaver lives. I forgive Bella for breaking Jacob's heart, but I cannot forgive Renesmee for repairing it. That family of bloodsucking leeches stole Jacob from Seth and me just as soon as he became someone we couldn't live without, our Alpha and our pack-brother both, and made him one of their own. He got a whole cozy place in Bella's family, just because he imprinted on that little girl. That one moment ripped him away from the pack. He can't give us his best anymore.

He can't give me his best anymore, and that's what he was doing before she came along, before she started smiling at him like an angel and sending him pictures and going by his cutesy little nickname for her. He respected me, you know, respected what I went through with Sam. The others… they all just thought I was cruel, forcing them to live with my heartbreak, but Jacob, once it was just us and Seth, then he listened and understood. Hell, he was proud of me for still standing on two feet or four paws – depending on the time of the day – after losing Sam the way I did. He took the time to understand the agony of what I went through, and then he went one step further. He cared about it and helped me get past it.

Then she came along. What need did she have for someone like Jacob Black, someone with a battle-scarred heart that knows what it is like to be squashed like a bug under someone else's disregard? What need did happy, pampered, precious little one-of-a-kind Renesmee have of someone with Jacob's compassion, depth of forgiveness, and strength of character? Jacob was just what I needed, maybe what I always needed, and just when he and I were starting to build a bridge between us, just when things were starting to exist in sunshine again, she rained on my parade.

I watch the way he lights up around her, with this goofy grin and hands always willing to scoop her up like a wonderful loving big brother, and I know it's about to get a whole lot worse for me than it is right now because pretty soon, they're going to develop a romance. She's finally getting old enough that I'm sure those glowing eyes of hers are going to start to see him a new light. Maybe they already do. I thought I witnessed a blush creeping across her cheeks the other day, but luckily, I turned away before it made me sick.

I know life's a bitch, I know I'm one too, but why did this have to happen to me? Are you trying to tell me that "fate" had to protect Jake and me from ourselves by imprinting him on her? It wasn't like he chose it. It wasn't like he chose her. He was choosing me before that! I could feel it! The way he looked at me, the tender little gestures, the tendrils of my heart opening up and letting him like a blooming flower… we would have fallen in love, damn it!

Sam and Emily was a tough blow, but in the end, becoming werewolves – or at least, finding out what we are – changed him and me enough that we might not have stayed together even if he hadn't imprinted on her, but Jake and I were different. We were growing together bit by bit every day. We still are actually; the growth is just stifled by her shadow, ever-present. I have watched the epic romance movies my entire life, and I know that love that grows through life-changing, somewhat tragic experiences is the real deal. Why in God's name would I get a chance at that just to have it ripped away from me?

I can't get mad at God or fate or even Bella for spawning that beautiful daughter with her supernatural hold on my Alpha. No, instead I just get mad at Nessie. It's easier to blame her for all my "what if"s than to blame any of those other things. She's pretty and smiley and unsuspecting of the effect she has had on my life, and the worst part is Jacob's utter obliviousness to my pain. He thinks every time I look away is because of my old feelings for Sam or something. I don't know why he can't seem to realize he's a part of every breath I take; I guess he's too blinded by the sun he sees shining out of her ass or whatever imprinting is like.

I really, really hate her.

X

Did you know she can read Jacob's mind when they're in wolf form? I hate that. She takes it completely for granted. When she's shooting me those sinister looks, thinking I can't read emotions in a canine's gaze, she takes the fact that she's in his head and his heart, the fact that she's a part of his very being, completely for granted. I hate her for that, for her stupid inability to see all the little things and how they add up. If I were her, I would never fail to notice the way his gaze followed my entrance into a room, or any of the other things she fails to notice, like the way he gently shifts in front of her to block the smell from my family when it's bothering her, or the way he always makes sure to provide a not-hunted meal for her when they have to go on longer runs.

I know he is never going to leave me. Eventually, I will get brave enough to admit to him that I am in love with him, and then we will be together, and it will be great. I know this. But she will never be gone. She's in his pack. She might as well be in his very blood stream. Worse than that even, she is his Beta, his other half. The last time a roving vampire got too close, I watched them sitting at his kitchen table, knees pressed together, heads ducked into a huddle, as they discussed a course of action. He was trying to convince her to stay here to "protect the area" while he and Seth went patrolling with Sam's pack. Of course, he just wanted to protect her, and of course, per usual, she was too wrapped up in her emotional imbalance to see that act of kindness. Jacob is one big unsolicited act of kindness when it comes to Leah, and that wouldn't bother me except that he does it automatically, not out of a sense of duty or general compassion but because that is just how he feels towards her.

I bet they would be together if he had not imprinted on me, and she still has the nerve to shoot me dirty looks or sulk in my presence. Does she not realize how lucky she is to be the one he would have chosen, not the one fate forced onto him?

It's an awful feeling when it sets in, that feeling that he is like a puppet on a string around me. Fate is tugging all the strings, guiding his every emotion towards me, whereas when he and Leah fight, in a snarling mass of teeth and sinewy muscle, and then make up, with soft, apologetic eyes and an apologetic snout-nuzzle, that is all him. He never fights with me. I want to fight with him like she does, to stir up his personality and passions, not just his blind, inevitable adoration like I am destined to have.

Of course she can't understand. She's blinder about Jacob than he is about me. The imprint hit her a lot harder than it hit him in a lot of ways. He still feels for her as strongly as he would otherwise, I think; I just think that now he is completely unable to see it. The imprint blinded her to seeing it too. Yet here I am. Too cruelly, I am the only one who seems to be able to see how he feels about her. Sometimes I thank God for Jake not realizing that he gave his heart freely and willingly to Leah, and sometimes I curse Him for blinding Jake that way, for making him love me without ever knowing it is against his own heart.

She thinks she has it so hard? She should try walking in my shoes and having to watch him be free and happy and himself with her and just a loving shell of that passionate, dynamic person with me. If she had to spend one day like that, she would go back to her old role gladly. When he says "I don't know what I'd do without you, Lee," she doesn't realize how much better that is than "I can't live without you."

I get him by default. I never got to fight anyone for him and win. Fate just forfeited everybody else and handed me the prize. But I'd trade him for his heart because that's what she's got.

And she's too stupid to even see it. I hate her for that.


End file.
